Most Dreaded words

It was a pleasant Friday morning(19th June) when I was still cherishing one of those romantic dreams... chased by the most beautiful gals... I could feel the excitement.... my heart beating faster than normal.... faster n faster n faster.... until there was a long silence.... it disappeared suddenly.... silence was frightening, I could now feel my heart in my ears. Suddenly, I realized I was getting late.... I need to take my Dad to the hospital for a check up.

My father had a thyroid surgery a week ago, so we had to go for a check-up. Reached there in time, check-up was done. Now it's "my" turn. Yes, I have had this nose bleeding problem since my childhood, but neglected it due to the fear of hearing those "dreadful words". Doc has suggested some n number of tests as usual and I had most of them done on that day.

During the DNE test, another senior doc said that there was some problem with my nose. Some of the blood vessels, which usually are buried under the skin are on the surface for me and so nothing can be done, it's default. Medicines would suffice, said the doc. I was happy, but little did I know what was coming my way.

Two more "tests" were to be done the next day and I was prepared for them coz I knew there was nothing anyone could do anything about my faulty nose, by default, wait a min, or did I already knew what was coming?

The next day, after both the tests, I had to wait 2 long hours for my "reports". Huh!, waiting is such a damn thing on the earth and more so when you know it wouldn't mean any shit to you. I donno how I passed my "waiting" time, perhaps, there was a signal in itself. From the diagnostics centre, I reached the hospital at around 6:30 in the evening and again had to "wait" for 2 more hours. As soon as my turn has come, I went inside and sat down only to see the sorry face of the doc.

How long did you have this problem? asked the doc, since my fourth class, out came my reluctant answer. I was sensing the air, the expressions of the doc. Just for a moment I thought I was in a different world all together. Sorry faces everywhere, sufferings all around, as if amidst a world of disaster. Out came the dreaded words

Son, you need an immediate surgery to your nose

Ahhh! those words peirced through me like thousands of needles in my belly.....

Well I had another horrible experience the following day, i.e on Sunday....

Romance with the surgical instruments!!!! Yeah, this is what I had n would be having this friday, 26th of june... Hopefully will blog again on monday...

Here I "END", or rather start

HERE I END....

Yes, I Know the immediate questions I would get after my first blog. Well, this is something I wasn't prepared to do...... something I haven't thought of doing even in the wildest of dreams, like the one I had last night. Then, what am I doing here?? Why am I here?? What is it that I gonna END.....

I "know" that I gonna struggle writing this blog, struggle 2 put up a decent show, struggle 2 get myself going... but I don't care.... as long as I "know" what I am up to....

I wanna end this adrenaline rush... wanna end this emotional outburst.... wanna end this mental imbalance... wanna end this chronic phobia.... wanna end this acute pain...

I searched for myself in everything that I have encountered till now... in my dad's hug, in my mom's smile, my brother's care, my friends' love, in girl's eyes, in pain, in the fear of failure, in the joy of success, in distress, in elation, in isolation, amongst a crowd, during meditation, in a gita study class, in trust, in a heartbreak, in setbacks, in incompetency, in betrayal and the list goes on... but i wont find "it" n i wanna end this.

HERE I START after all this is "my space"

CHANGE IS INEVITABLE